Why Do I Still Want Them to Be Proud of Me?
8 min read
Recognition, internalised approval, and continuing bonds
Why Their Imagined Approval Still Matters After They’re Gone
Something good happens. You succeed, improve, or survive something you once thought you could not. And beneath the accomplishment is a quieter wish: I hope they would be proud of me.
You may still want them to be proud because they remain part of your internal audience. Their opinion once helped shape how seen, capable, or worthy you felt. Even after the relationship ends, achievements can still reach toward the person who knew your history and would have understood how far you had come.
Something good happens.
You succeed.
You improve.
You survive something you once thought you could not.
And beneath the accomplishment is a quieter wish.
I hope they would be proud of me.
Even if they are gone.
Even if they will never know.
Even if contact is impossible.
The desire still rises.
You Are Still Oriented Toward an Internal Audience
When someone matters deeply, they can become part of the audience inside your mind.
A reference point.
A mirror.
A measure of who you are becoming.
The witness
They knew the difficult parts of your history and would understand why this achievement matters.
The evaluator
Their praise, criticism, or standards may still influence how you assess yourself.
The imagined audience
You picture their reaction because achievement once felt more real when shared with them.
The keeper of your earlier self
They knew who you were before the growth, which makes their imagined recognition feel especially powerful.
This is another way carrying appears in ordinary life. The broader experience is explored in The Art of Carrying What You Cannot Say.
Why Their Approval Still Matters
At some point, their opinion shaped your emotional world.
You may have learned to feel seen through their reaction.
Achievement became connected with telling them, watching their face, and hearing the words that confirmed your effort had been noticed.
Work hard → succeed → tell them → feel recognised
The achievement still happens.
The person who completed the emotional sequence is gone.
So part of the accomplishment can feel unfinished.
- You achieve something meaningful.
- Your mind automatically imagines telling them.
- You picture their approval or pride.
- The achievement briefly feels shared.
- Reality returns and their absence becomes visible again.
- The pride becomes mixed with grief.
What You Are Really Wanting
Often, it is not only their approval.
It is recognition from someone who knew the distance you travelled.
What “I want them to be proud” may contain
- I want someone to understand how hard this was.
- I want proof that I became who I said I would become.
- I want the person who saw my struggle to see the outcome.
- I want to feel visible in my growth.
- I want the past version of me to be acknowledged.
What it may not mean
- That you want the relationship back.
- That your achievement belongs to them.
- That your progress is incomplete without their response.
- That you have failed to move forward.
- That you need to contact them.
Sometimes you miss the person. Sometimes you miss having your growth witnessed by someone who knew where you began.
Why Success Can Reopen Grief
Achievement is supposed to feel good.
That can make the sadness attached to it feel confusing or ungrateful.
But success often makes absence visible.
The milestone exposes who is missing
The moment arrives, and the person you imagined beside it is not there.
The future you once imagined returns
You may remember a version of life in which they would have celebrated this with you.
Pride and grief coexist
You can feel genuinely proud while also grieving the witness you lost.
The accomplishment becomes bittersweet
The gain is real, but so is the absence revealed by it.
If the emotional drop makes the loss feel immediate again, read Why Do I Suddenly Feel Like I Lost Them All Over Again?
Does Wanting Their Approval Mean You Are Stuck?
No.
Emotional orientation fades slowly.
Attachment is durable, and identity does not reorganise itself the moment contact ends.
A lingering internal audience may look like
- You briefly imagine their reaction.
- You feel a mixture of pride and sadness.
- You recognise the wish without acting on it.
- You continue celebrating elsewhere.
A pattern that may keep you stuck can look like
- You pursue achievements mainly to prove something to them.
- You cannot enjoy success without imagining their response.
- You repeatedly contact them for validation.
- Your self-worth still depends heavily on what they would think.
The wish itself is not the problem.
The question is whether their imagined opinion remains the final authority on your value.
How Their Voice Can Stay Inside You
People we love often become internalised.
You may still hear their praise, criticism, humour, or doubt while making decisions.
That voice can become part of how you evaluate yourself.
The encouraging voice
You imagine them saying they knew you could do it.
The critical voice
You may still measure yourself against their doubts or standards.
The proving voice
Part of you may want the achievement to show them what they lost or underestimated.
The witnessing voice
You want someone from the old chapter to confirm the reality of your growth.
Their voice may remain inside you long after their access to your life has ended.
How to Reorient the Wish Without Shaming It
You do not have to force yourself not to care.
You can translate the wish into something that belongs more fully to you.
Name the wish honestly
Say, “A part of me wishes they could see this.”
Identify what you want recognised
Is it the effort, survival, courage, change, or distance travelled?
Say the words yourself
Write the approval you imagine receiving: “I am proud of how far I have come.”
Share with someone present
Let a trusted person celebrate the achievement with you now.
Connect the achievement to your values
Ask why this matters to you independently of anyone else’s opinion.
Let the milestone belong to your life
The person may be part of the history, but the growth is yours.
“I wish they could see this—and I can still let it belong to me.”
The first half honours the bond.
The second half protects your future.
How New Forms of Recognition Replace the Old Ones
Over time, the need for their approval can become less urgent.
Not because they stop having mattered.
Because your inner world develops more than one mirror.
Your own recognition grows
You become better able to notice effort and progress without waiting for external confirmation.
New relationships witness your growth
Other people begin to understand your history and celebrate what matters now.
Your values become more central
You measure success by what fits your life rather than what would impress or reassure them.
Their imagined reaction becomes quieter
The thought may still appear, but it no longer defines the achievement.
Healing is not proving that you no longer care what they would think. It is learning that their imagined approval is no longer the only place pride can live.
The quieter truth
You wanted them to be proud because they once helped you feel seen. Over time, that recognition can become something you receive from others, and something you learn to offer yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I still want my ex to be proud of me?
They may still exist as part of your internal audience. Their approval once helped shape how seen, successful, or worthy you felt.
Does wanting their approval mean I still want them back?
Not necessarily. You may miss their recognition, their knowledge of your history, or the feeling that someone understood how far you had come.
Why do achievements make me miss them?
Success can activate the old habit of sharing important moments with them. The accomplishment becomes linked with the absence of the person you once expected to witness it.
Why does their imagined opinion still matter?
Attachment can internalise another person’s voice. Even after contact ends, you may still evaluate yourself through the standards, praise, or reactions associated with them.
How do I stop needing them to be proud of me?
Build other forms of recognition, notice your own effort directly, and practise translating the imagined approval into your own voice.
Will this feeling eventually fade?
Usually, yes. It tends to soften as your identity becomes less organised around their opinion and more supported by your own values and newer relationships.
